It's been more than six months since my post of euthanizing my cat, Hank, and it wasn't until just a few minutes ago that I reread what I wrote in December 2009. It hurts just as much now as it did that day. I wonder if perhaps I was wrong to have included every detail I could remember about that small part of just one day, because it made me cry all over again. I am still crying as I write this.
I've had to discipline myself to think of other things, to avoid even speaking about my old friend, because there have been times when it would have been entirely inappropriate to burst into tears just from a casual mention of his passing.
And I still feel like a murderer. Guilty. Logic doesn't help. Emotion just is, and isn't either right or wrong, but I can't help but wonder if I should have waited an extra day, spent time with him, said a longer good-bye, instead of doing it quickly so I would still have the courage. I don't know. I just know that it still feels horribly, horribly wrong.
I'd had him since he was a kitten. I got him when I was thirteen years old, and he and his brother Frank were so wild they wouldn't let anybody get within three feet of them. They lived in the hay barn, and hunted. Hank was a particularly prolific hunter, and learned how to catch moles. Frank was the more mild of the two, and was the first one to become friendly.
Frank was killed by coyotes sometime during the time while I was away at college. Hank was lonely, and getting careless--he had two narrow escapes with coyotes himself, and came to me (even not entirely tame) to get treated. It was the most amazing and humbling experience: this big cat voluntarily lying down on a clean towel and letting me pour hydrogen peroxide over these horribly stinking abscesses that had formed from coyote bites. I didn't have to hold him in place. I didn't have to confine him. He came every day and laid down to get the hydrogen peroxide poured on, and then the antibiotic ointment, like clockwork.
Inevitably, during those clean-and-medicate sessions, he couldn't lie still any longer from the pain of getting out the dead, infected skin, and he'd get up and pace. Then he'd come and lie down again; sometimes I'd have to call to him and pet him and help him calm down, but I never had to force treatment on him. It never ceased to awe me, the way he trusted me without question.
He'd been staying at my parents' place, and he was getting older. He started having urine crystals causing urinary tract infections, and I knew if he didn't come inside permanently that he would eventually get sick and not get help in time. So I brought him home with me. There was absolutely no adjustment time. He went from being exclusively outdoor to exclusively indoor, and never tried to go outside again, for the rest of his life. I guess I wasn't the only one who had decided that he'd needed to "retire."
I don't think I'll ever quit missing him. He was a calm, steady, affectionate cat who I loved as a very dear friend for twenty-one years.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
If Heart Surgery Were Performed In Second Life
Okay, I goofed up when I sent out my supposedly explanatory notecard to all of my friends about the upcoming procedure to be done on my heart. I repeat yet again: it is not a life-threatening condition, nor is the procedure especially risky. Also, it's happening on Thursday, April 8, 2010.
So I was clarifying this information for someone for the umpteenth time and thinking that I really need to learn how to write more effectively, the thought occurred to me: what if I were able to get this procedure done in the world of Second Life?
The results would likely be as follows:
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...the entire inventory of pre-op sedatives and peri-op general anesthesias would disappear, only to reappear with half the stock missing. The surgery would still happen on schedule, only without general anesthesia, because it would be the patient's responsibility to make sure supplies were 'backed up.'
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...the operating room and all the equipment in it would not fully rez until the surgery was half over, and the patient would still be a glowing nebulous blob. The surgeon would be visible only as a featureless gray outline with only his unnaturally large penile attachment, his blingy wristwatch, and his hair rezzed.
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...the poseballs for both surgeon and patient would get out of sync, so that the surgeon was operating instead on the patient's left patella (who would be floating in mid-air) until the surgeon hit 'RESET' in the blue pop-up menu section...at which point both patient and surgeon would have to climb back on the poseballs and start the operation from the beginning.
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...then in the middle of the operation, the operating room and hospital would lag so badly that the entire hospital would have to restart.
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...just as the surgeon was getting ready to close the incision, the viewer would crash, and while the patient lay in the operating room bleeding to death, the surgeon would be on the phone to Linden Labs trying to explain that he couldn't get his viewer to restart, while the 'Customer Service Representative' would ask him repeatedly in a phony British accent if he had the latest viewer installed.
AND FINALLY:
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...at the end of the surgery, the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, the attending surgical nurses, and the patient would all engage in a massive orgy, and then everybody would AFK and BRB.
So I was clarifying this information for someone for the umpteenth time and thinking that I really need to learn how to write more effectively, the thought occurred to me: what if I were able to get this procedure done in the world of Second Life?
The results would likely be as follows:
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...the entire inventory of pre-op sedatives and peri-op general anesthesias would disappear, only to reappear with half the stock missing. The surgery would still happen on schedule, only without general anesthesia, because it would be the patient's responsibility to make sure supplies were 'backed up.'
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...the operating room and all the equipment in it would not fully rez until the surgery was half over, and the patient would still be a glowing nebulous blob. The surgeon would be visible only as a featureless gray outline with only his unnaturally large penile attachment, his blingy wristwatch, and his hair rezzed.
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...the poseballs for both surgeon and patient would get out of sync, so that the surgeon was operating instead on the patient's left patella (who would be floating in mid-air) until the surgeon hit 'RESET' in the blue pop-up menu section...at which point both patient and surgeon would have to climb back on the poseballs and start the operation from the beginning.
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...then in the middle of the operation, the operating room and hospital would lag so badly that the entire hospital would have to restart.
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...just as the surgeon was getting ready to close the incision, the viewer would crash, and while the patient lay in the operating room bleeding to death, the surgeon would be on the phone to Linden Labs trying to explain that he couldn't get his viewer to restart, while the 'Customer Service Representative' would ask him repeatedly in a phony British accent if he had the latest viewer installed.
AND FINALLY:
If heart surgery were performed in Second Life...
...at the end of the surgery, the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, the attending surgical nurses, and the patient would all engage in a massive orgy, and then everybody would AFK and BRB.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
WARNING: Intensely Political Discussion
I originally sent this out as an email to a few friends, but decided to put it on here, not because I expect it to get wider readership or because I particularly enjoy pissing people off, but simply because it's a short essay on my feelings about what I see as an increasingly partisan, polarized government. In this post, my aim is directed at the Republican party, simply because they're the noisiest. But I'm fairly egalitarian in playing Whack-A-Mole, so I'm sure something else will stick its head up sooner or later that will change my focus of derision. With that said...
...I find it very interesting that the Republican party is so adamantly opposed to viable health care reform and say we're headed for socialism, yet they don't want to get rid of--or even alter--Medicare or Social Security, both of which are government-provided social services, and both of which as they exist right now, are draining this country dry. Apparently the Republican party has decided that it's acceptable and expedient to pay people who choose to retire from the workforce, and that it is one of the rights of being an American, but the caveat is that you have to survive to retirement age first. Social Darwinism at its finest, Creationists.
Furthermore, a certain statistically significant percentage of Americans (I won't pretend I can quote hard statistics) may reflexively say they are against "socialized medicine," but if you only ask these average people if they think insurance companies shouldn't be able to deny coverage, have caps on coverage, and any number of other individual items included in this bill that was passed on Sunday, March 21, they're enthusiastically in support of it. It's only when they hear the phrase "universal healthcare," that they think "socialism," and give a reflexive kick, sort of like the doctor thumping your knee at a checkup.
I do have to give a certain sneering credit to the Republican party for this smear campaign. Their rhetoric about "Obamacare" has successfully discouraged a great many people from engaging in thoughtful discussion and self-education both about the greater health care issues themselves, and more specifically about the bill as passed. Kudos to them for a propaganda campaign possibly rivaled only by Nazi Germany prior to and during WWII. America so desperately needs to shift politically toward fascism, don't you think?
I consider myself independent, politically. When I vote, it's a patchwork of who I think is most qualified for the job, not on which party they belong to. But I don't like the looks of the place where the Republican party is currently headed. Since it appears that the Republican party is going through a purge in which moderate voices are unacceptable, I don't think I'll be casting many votes for members of that party very soon.
...I find it very interesting that the Republican party is so adamantly opposed to viable health care reform and say we're headed for socialism, yet they don't want to get rid of--or even alter--Medicare or Social Security, both of which are government-provided social services, and both of which as they exist right now, are draining this country dry. Apparently the Republican party has decided that it's acceptable and expedient to pay people who choose to retire from the workforce, and that it is one of the rights of being an American, but the caveat is that you have to survive to retirement age first. Social Darwinism at its finest, Creationists.
Furthermore, a certain statistically significant percentage of Americans (I won't pretend I can quote hard statistics) may reflexively say they are against "socialized medicine," but if you only ask these average people if they think insurance companies shouldn't be able to deny coverage, have caps on coverage, and any number of other individual items included in this bill that was passed on Sunday, March 21, they're enthusiastically in support of it. It's only when they hear the phrase "universal healthcare," that they think "socialism," and give a reflexive kick, sort of like the doctor thumping your knee at a checkup.
I do have to give a certain sneering credit to the Republican party for this smear campaign. Their rhetoric about "Obamacare" has successfully discouraged a great many people from engaging in thoughtful discussion and self-education both about the greater health care issues themselves, and more specifically about the bill as passed. Kudos to them for a propaganda campaign possibly rivaled only by Nazi Germany prior to and during WWII. America so desperately needs to shift politically toward fascism, don't you think?
I consider myself independent, politically. When I vote, it's a patchwork of who I think is most qualified for the job, not on which party they belong to. But I don't like the looks of the place where the Republican party is currently headed. Since it appears that the Republican party is going through a purge in which moderate voices are unacceptable, I don't think I'll be casting many votes for members of that party very soon.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Second Life: The Experience So Far
I've been on Second Life since May 12, 2009, and I guess I'm still technically a newbie. But, I've been having SUCH a merry time making fun of and feeling superior to the people who let themselves get hurt in this fascinating and quirky universe. It was all a game, you see.
But somewhere in there, I apparently forgot to mind my own emotional levees, because I got a sharp dash of reality when I fell for someone, and subsequently got wounded. And all the cold logic in the world can't convince me now that any of this is only a game.
Previously, I've walked away from friends and lovers as easily as taking them off my Friends list, accompanied by a mental shrug and an "Oh, well." Now, it's not so simple. I feel slightly battered and frayed around the edges, but after a little consideration, I'm not entirely sure that that is a bad thing. I certainly can't make fun of people so readily who have been hurt.
I can no longer blithely say that one must at all times mind one's boundaries between First Life and Second, because now I know that it can become very difficult and, occasionally, impossible. I'm not even sure anymore that it's wise to maintain a distinction between the two. Emotions felt don't distinguish between Real and Virtual. Grief and loss and hurt are real, regardless of where they were experienced. The comfort of friends is as warm, laughter is no less real, and beauty exists in pixels.
Recently, I was invited as a friend of a friend to a memorial service for someone who had existed as a vibrant presence in Second Life, and then subsequently passed away. I didn't know many of the people there, but the number of lives this man had touched, and the deep affection he inspired in so many people truly amazed me. He mattered, and he was missed, and he was remembered with a great deal of love. None of it was false.
To create a schism in the mind and label the experiences in one part real, and the other unreal, I think could even be unhealthy and, in the long run, dehumanizing. To refuse to acknowledge that the person behind the avatar is entitled to real emotion is to make ourselves less real, and less human and, ultimately, more shallow.
I don't think that places like Second Life are going to go away. I think that they're going to become more and more real--or at least less distinguishable from what we call 'reality.' I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge as real the emotions created by interacting with others in virtual realities. Joy, no matter where or why it is felt, is still joy.
But somewhere in there, I apparently forgot to mind my own emotional levees, because I got a sharp dash of reality when I fell for someone, and subsequently got wounded. And all the cold logic in the world can't convince me now that any of this is only a game.
Previously, I've walked away from friends and lovers as easily as taking them off my Friends list, accompanied by a mental shrug and an "Oh, well." Now, it's not so simple. I feel slightly battered and frayed around the edges, but after a little consideration, I'm not entirely sure that that is a bad thing. I certainly can't make fun of people so readily who have been hurt.
I can no longer blithely say that one must at all times mind one's boundaries between First Life and Second, because now I know that it can become very difficult and, occasionally, impossible. I'm not even sure anymore that it's wise to maintain a distinction between the two. Emotions felt don't distinguish between Real and Virtual. Grief and loss and hurt are real, regardless of where they were experienced. The comfort of friends is as warm, laughter is no less real, and beauty exists in pixels.
Recently, I was invited as a friend of a friend to a memorial service for someone who had existed as a vibrant presence in Second Life, and then subsequently passed away. I didn't know many of the people there, but the number of lives this man had touched, and the deep affection he inspired in so many people truly amazed me. He mattered, and he was missed, and he was remembered with a great deal of love. None of it was false.
To create a schism in the mind and label the experiences in one part real, and the other unreal, I think could even be unhealthy and, in the long run, dehumanizing. To refuse to acknowledge that the person behind the avatar is entitled to real emotion is to make ourselves less real, and less human and, ultimately, more shallow.
I don't think that places like Second Life are going to go away. I think that they're going to become more and more real--or at least less distinguishable from what we call 'reality.' I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge as real the emotions created by interacting with others in virtual realities. Joy, no matter where or why it is felt, is still joy.
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